Whose approval do you need?

I don’t know about you, but I had a very difficult relationship with my mother.

She was opinionated and controlling.

I was stubborn.

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Yet, I sought her approval for basically everything.

I wanted to be a teacher, she wanted me to “have a real career.”

I became a banker.

I wanted to have a small wedding, she wanted half of Miami to attend.

Half of Miami attended.

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It was so bad I remember I once had to buy a couch.

I was with my late husband Joe at the store,

And we liked a navy blue microfiber 3 seat couch.

I couldn’t get myself to buy it because my mom hadn’t seen it yet.

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I sat there trying to explain to him why we couldn’t buy it.

Even though we BOTH liked it.

And it was in our price range.

And there was free delivery.

And a payment plan of a million months – interest free. 

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He looked at me as if I was crazy.

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I realized:

I was a grown woman acting like a child.

I needed my mom’s approval for everything, including, apparently … buying a couch.

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If you haven’t noticed,

This is NOT a healthy relationship.

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When I became a mom things got worse.

I wanted to parent differently then how I was parented.

I read all the books and did all the things OPPOSITE of how I was raised.

And since I lived less than a block away, and saw my mom everyday.

We argued A LOT. 

Because after my couch emancipation experience, 

I was NOT going to let my fear stop me from being the mom I wanted to be.

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And I didn’t.

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But here’s the thing:

I was all Ms. Independent buying my own couch and co-sleeping with my baby…

But I still wanted her approval.

It wasn’t enough that I did things my way ….

I needed to do things my way AND I needed her to agree with my way of doing it.

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The conflict shifted.

It went from me being afraid of her wrath of disapproval.

And not doing what I wanted to do.

To …

Me doing it anyways but wanting her to approve after the fact.

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So I explained, rationalized, begged and pleaded.

I cried, provided research backed opinions, and still nothing.

She wouldn’t budge.

I was wrong. Period.

Co-sleeping would make my kids wimps.

Navy blue is a depressing color for a couch.

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She wouldn’t agree and I couldn’t change her mind.

I wouldn’t agree with her opinions and she couldn’t change my mind.

I had to be okay with it.

Whether she was okay with it or not.

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And that was the realization of the century.

Understanding that was pivotal. It would change everything.

It would lead me to true emancipation from ANYONE else’s opinion.

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I cannot do whatever I want, and demand approval for it.

I had to choose.

And I had to be okay if someone wasn’t okay with it.

..

How many times have you done something you didn’t want to do to please someone else?

What things did you NOT do because of fear of judgment?

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We all ask that question.

But the ninja mindset question to ask is this:

How many times did you do what you wanted to do but then request, require or plead for acceptance?

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If you were brave enough to do it your way … let that be enough.

Let honoring your truth, and following your heart be all you need to let go of anyone else’s opinion.

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You can’t have your cake and eat it too.

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Life is short. I eat cake. 

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PS. In case you are wondering … my mom passed away in 2017 and I cared for her the last year of her life.

She died knowing I loved her and I knew she did the best she could with what she had.

Which is what I can only hope my kids understand too. Oh, and  I know she loved me too…. very much and to the end.